When Someone Says "I'm Fine," I Pay Attention

Twenty-five years ago, I entered a three-year transformational mind dynamics program that changed my life.

At its core, the program was about learning how the brain works, how much of our behavior and communication happens unconsciously, and how to wake up the conscious mind so we can become more deliberate in the way we think, speak, listen, and respond to others.

It was also about learning how to communicate in a way that creates more joy, more understanding, more connection, and less unnecessary conflict.

During those three years, I was taught to eliminate five words from my vocabulary:

I have been implementing that training ever since.

Each word taught me something different.

The word but taught me how easily one thought can diminish another.

The word try taught me to listen for whether a measurable agreement actually exists.

And the word fine taught me something entirely different:

In my training, we were given a deliberately provocative definition of the word:

It was not a clinical diagnosis.

It was not meant to suggest that every person who says "I'm fine" is in crisis.

It was meant to wake us up.

To stop us from hearing the word automatically and moving on without thought.

To become more sensitively aware of the person in front of us.

Because sometimes "fine" may truly mean fine.

And sometimes it may not.

The important lesson for me was never to decide which one it was.

The lesson was simply to notice.

"Fine" Became a Signal for Awareness

Imagine this exchange:

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

Most of us keep moving.

We asked.

They answered.

Conversation complete.

My training taught me to hear that exchange differently.

Not to react.

Not to probe.

Not to assume.

Simply to become more aware.

• How well do I know this person?
• What is our relationship?
• Is there a power dynamic between us?
• What else is happening in the environment?
• Is this a casual interaction between acquaintances?
• A conversation between close friends?
• A manager speaking with an employee?
• A peer speaking with another peer?

All of those circumstances matter.

And that is exactly why I do not believe there is one correct response to hearing the word fine.

Sometimes a person wants connection.

Sometimes they want privacy.

Sometimes they are emotionally overwhelmed.

Sometimes they are distracted.

Sometimes they are stressed.

Sometimes they simply do not want to explain themselves.

And sometimes they really are fine.

The value is not in deciding what the word means.

The value is in becoming more aware that it may mean more than it appears to mean.

What the Research Tells Us About Hidden Emotion

There is significant research on emotional suppression, which is the tendency to inhibit or conceal the outward expression of emotion.

That research does not tell us that the word fine has one universal psychological meaning.

It does tell us something important:

Research has associated expressive suppression with psychological distress, higher self-reported stress-related symptoms, and social costs in relationships. Other studies have found that suppressing emotion can also affect physiological responses during stress.

That does not mean anyone should interpret one word as proof that something is wrong.

It means human beings often carry more internally than they outwardly reveal.

That matters in life.

It also matters enormously at work.

People come into the workplace carrying everything that comes with being human.

• Family stress.
• Financial pressure.
• Illness.
• Grief.
• Relationship challenges.
• Burnout.
• Exhaustion.
• Fear.

And then someone asks:

"How are you?"

The answer is:

"I'm fine."

Maybe they are.

Maybe they are not.

The point is not to assume.

The point is to become more awake to the possibility that there may be more happening beneath the surface.

Power Changes the Meaning of Awareness

This becomes especially important in the workplace because relationships are not always equal.

A manager and an employee do not have the same positional power.

A leader may influence someone's performance review, compensation, promotion, assignments, reputation, or continued employment.

That changes the context of every interaction.

It also changes what someone may feel comfortable saying.

A person may be perfectly willing to share something personal with a close friend and completely unwilling to share the same thing with a boss.

That distinction matters.

And this is one of the reasons I do not believe hearing the word fine gives anyone permission to investigate, interpret, or intervene.

Sometimes the most empathetic thing we can do is simply become more conscious of the fact that we may not know the whole story.

That alone can change how we interpret someone's energy, tone, silence, or behavior.

It may make us slower to judge.

Slower to assume.

Slower to label someone disengaged, difficult, negative, or unmotivated.

And perhaps more willing to remember that human beings are often carrying things we cannot see.

"Fine" Taught Me Caution

The word fine did not teach me how to respond.

It taught me how not to rush.

It taught me caution.

It taught me sensitivity.

It taught me to remember that one word can sit on top of stress, emotion, fatigue, frustration, grief, anger, exhaustion, or simply a desire for privacy.

And because I do not know which one is true, I have learned not to force meaning onto it.

I simply become more aware.

That is the practice.

The awareness is the practice.

The willingness to notice without assuming is the practice.

And I believe that matters deeply in leadership.

In Leadership, Awareness Matters

For more than 30 years, I have worked in business, leadership, cybersecurity talent, and workforce strategy.

I have seen how quickly people can be labeled based on behavior.

Someone is quieter than usual.

Someone seems distracted.

Someone is less upbeat.

Someone is less responsive.

Someone says:

"I'm fine."

And from there, a story can be created.

• They do not care.
• They are disengaged.
• They have a bad attitude.
• They are not committed.
• They are difficult.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

That is exactly why awareness matters.

The word fine reminds me not to let one moment, one tone, or one interaction become a complete story about another person.

Especially when there is a power imbalance.

Because leaders have power.

And once a leader creates a negative interpretation, that interpretation can affect opportunities, trust, performance reviews, compensation, and careers.

Sometimes what looks like disengagement is stress.

Sometimes what looks like negativity is exhaustion.

Sometimes what looks like distance is simply privacy.

Sometimes it is none of those things.

We may not know.

That is the point.

"Fine" Changed the Way I Listen

For 25 years, the word fine has served as a small signal in my brain.

Pay attention.

Not:

Something is definitely wrong.

Not:

You need to fix this person.

Not:

You need to ask more questions.

Not:

You are entitled to know what they are feeling.

Simply:

Notice the context.

Notice the relationship.

Notice the power dynamic.

Notice what you know.

And perhaps most importantly, notice what you do not know.

That kind of awareness has made me more cautious about judgment.

More sensitive to context.

More aware of power.

And more empathetic toward what another person may be carrying without ever saying a word about it.

Words Start Wars and End Wars

Years ago, I gave a keynote at Hacker Halted called: Words Start Wars and End Wars.

I believed it then.

I believe it even more now.

Words can reveal.

They can conceal.

They can protect.

They can create distance.

They can establish a boundary.

Sometimes one word means very little.

Sometimes one word carries more than we realize.

The challenge is not to assume we always know which one it is.

The challenge is to remain awake.

The word fine taught me that.

Not to react.

Not to diagnose.

Not to pry.

To pay attention.

To take caution.

To become more sensitively aware.

And to remember that empathy often begins with recognizing how much we do not know about what another person is carrying.

I have come to believe the same caution belongs at the level of an entire workforce. When leaders cannot see where the work is actually going, who has been absorbing pressure for months, and which capabilities rest on one person, they end up reading their teams the way we read one word in a hallway, from impressions. That is why seeing workforce risk before it becomes attrition starts with evidence about the work itself rather than assumptions about the people doing it.

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This is the third in a series about the five words I was taught to remove from my vocabulary 25 years ago, and what they have taught me about communication, leadership, accountability, empathy, and human connection.